“cry1…”

“Sit down…”

“I’ve been expecting you…”

“I know everything…”

As Dr. Sheerin looked into my eyes for the final time last Thursday, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he wouldn’t ever see me again. I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. I didn’t have the heart to tell anyone the truth. Even myself. He let me go that day, probably his biggest mistake, probably the last mistake I’ll ever witness, because what happens next isn’t a mistake of any sort - it’s destiny.

The truth is, it all started with afternoon play dates in the sandbox with Kyle, my first love. We used to build castles together, and pretend to live in them. I was his Queen, and he was my King. Every so often, the neighborhood dog, Adel, would come and bark at us - we pretended he was the neighborhood dragon, and Kyle defended my honor. We stayed this way for a long time until Adel’s owner started to meddle in my business. Her name was Boa, and she had a golden microwave. Her giggles still haunt me. Kyle admired this microwave, so much, that he eventually forgot me, and became consumed with that steamy thai slut. Heartbroken at age five, I decided to slay that dragon.

None of us talked much again after Adel died. The last time I saw either of them was when I peeked over the fence and saw her and Kyle photograph and bury Adel’s coffin.

I kept to myself mostly after that, never making many friends in school. The one friend I did make - her name was Nikki. It took a long time for us to become friends. For a long time, I thought she hated me, but one day - a very special day - I dropped my pencil and she actually picked it up for me. It was that moment, that we became friends, and more. Much, much more. After a few years, she introduced me to a good friend of hers. He had an odd name - they called him Kujmous.

Kujmous was a funny guy. He lived in a log cabin, deep in the woods. Right outside his house was a tree - the Kujwood tree, he called it. I used to sit under that tree as he read me stories he had wrote. While he read to me, I would close my eyes, as the leaves fell on my face. As the leaves rotted on the ground, so did my relationship with Kujmous. He began reading me weird stories. Sexual stories … stories that involved me and him doing things I’m still not comfortable talking about. It got to a point where I wasn’t comfortable being around him anymore. I told him this on the last day he read to me. He was sad - he looked down, tears flowing from his eyes like semicolons, and said, “Promise me you’ll let me see you again one day.” I wiggled my hand loose, and whispered to him, “I promise.”

In the days that followed I tried, desperately, to make Nikki believe what had happened with me and Kujmous. She refused to believe he was capable of that. Eventually the lines in the sand became clear - she was choosing him over me. Yet again, in my life, someone I cared for more than anyone else, chose someone else over me. She banned me from her life. She banned me from her heart. She banned me from happiness. Banned. Banned. Banned.

It was too much - that lonely feeling sinking again into my heart - it was all too familiar to me. I found myself walking along the beach that day, losing my feet in the sand that reminded me of Kyle. As I walked, I wept, hearing the song of a winterwhale in the distance. After hours upon hours, I saw a bottle roll in from the water, covered in wet, slimy seaweed. I opened it, curiously, and found a letter inside. What was written on that letter scared me to my bones - “The silly seven is coming after cry1.” I looked around, thinking surely it was a practical joke, but I didn’t see a soul. Who wrote this? How did they know my name? How did they know I would find it? I am only twelve years old, what is this?

My mind loaded with questions, I ran home, afraid - eager to tell my mom about it. Yet, this was not to be. When I entered the house, I heard a loud thumping. It was so loud, I was almost sure it was an earthquake. After I heard the music (DyLaN bE cOo) I realized what was going on. I knew what Mama Kittens was doing, though I hated to think of it. “Did I ever tell you, your gluten-free cupcakes made me hard”, I heard Daddy Dusty say to her. I was so grossed out, that I just went to bed, forgetting about the message in the bottle.

The next morning I woke up to a cold smooth-as-butta breeze rushing across my face. I got out of bed clumsily to shut the window, but tripped on a bottle. As I laid on the ground, I opened my eyes to see, that littered across the floor of my room were dozens and dozens of bottles with pieces of paper in every one of them. I began opening them one by one, my heart sinking as I read each one. They all read the same - “The silly seven is coming after cry1.” Not bothering to tell my parents, I packed my white owl backpack, some egyptian sushi and an elvis salad to go, and left my house, never looking back. What was going on was too weird - I had to get out of there, no matter who this silly seven was. It was a blessing in disguise, I guess.

After a few years of traveling from shelter to shelter, I eventually befriended a few kids my age at an internet cafe that I frequented - it was cheap and costed at least $0.01. Gabe, RobbyRock99, Raven, Cass, and Heaven became my family for awhile - we all moved in together, splitting food and rent between us. Living with them wasn’t always the best experience. Cassandra and Raven made noises all too reminiscent of my parents, and Gabe kept creeping out of bushes at me. RobbyRock99 just wouldn’t leave me alone. I began to grow annoyed of all of them, and it was plainly obvious.

One day, after I came home from a long day of working at McDonalds, I found the walls plastered with pictures of pornography, and the apartment empty of all the furniture and people. They left me with nothing but porn and scat porn - every corner I turned, there was a dick or poop staring at me. I frowned as I sat on the floor that night with my bowl of ice cream and sugar-free toppings, rattling my anti-depressants in their bottle to fill the silence. I had the apartment all to myself, just me and pictures of blowjobs. I began to wonder that night - was a blowjob really sex? Well, I guess that’s a conversation for another time. I guess this would be a good time to bring up that I have no gag reflex.

Eventually I went broke, and decided I needed to move. So, I did what I could - I sold my XBox for a plane ticket to New York City - the city where dreams come true. Dreams like turtles with heads of my Daddy Dusty. Dreams of flying fish. Dreams of green pants. Dreams of making out. At the airport on the day of my flight, I met the man who changed my outlook on life. His name was Phil, and he had pubic hair on his chin. He had been waiting for his internet girlfriend at the airport - she never arrived. He frowned at me as he explained and said, “Life never works out. People lie.” Those words still ring in my ears as clear as the first day I heard them.

As I landed in New York, I felt the need for change, above all else - something had rattled me deep down in my bones. I didn’t want people to leave me anymore. I needed a place where people were too dumb to leave me - that’s when I found Neutrino. Filled with hopeless souls pining away for attention, with hearts posted with secrets, I found myself a home. Like everyone else there, I just wanted to be told I was beautiful. I wanted to someone to feed me with their own hands. I wanted someone to tell me that everything would be ok. Those needs of mine eventually drove me to become the best stripper at Neutrino Bar & Boobs.

Of course, I also took off my clothes to pay the rent. It was either my tits, or get the fuck out. But, working there wasn’t that bad because I made a couple of good friends - Raevyn and Kris. Raevyn and I stripped, while Kris, the owner of the bar watched, drooling. It was these days that I remembered Kujmous the most - I sometimes imagined his eyes on my nipples as I swung around the pole. It was in his name, that one night I convinced Raevyn to cover our nipples with pictures of his face. I didn’t get that much money that night - but my soul remained rich.

Even though I was having a good time, I eventually met someone who forced me to take a good hard look in the mirror. Heather had one name, and many personalities. She took me to the side one night at Neutrino and offered me an open ear and a place to stay. Something in me broke down at that moment. As she scratched my head, I cried and told her everything. From Kujmous to Silly Seven. From my parents to Kyle. From Adel to Nikki. It was then, I knew my time at Neutrino had ended. Raevyn wasn’t very happy at the news; as I walked out the bar, she yelled out to me, while she undid her bra - “I will fucking kill you if i ever see you again, I swear to god! I CANNOT EVEN SAY HOW PISSED I AM RIGHT NOW.”

It was weird to be on the other end of the stick - to be the one to leave. It felt empowering, but yet humbling at the same time. After that, I ended up moving in with Heather. She made a major change in my life in every possible way, and genuinely wanted to see me happy (most of the time) - which is why she introduced me to Dr. Sheerin.

My first visit to him was a bit odd. I remember the bright white waiting room more than the actual visit. Pictures of sperm hung on the walls, everyone seeming to stare at them for long periods of time. The people there to see Dr. Sheerin were always a bit different. My favorite were perhaps the twins known as Mike and Gracie - they both wore masks every time I saw them, fully convinced that the masks were their faces. They made elaborate stories about their lives every time we talked, but their mother would always walk up to me later, and whisper, “Don’t mind them, they just have good imaginations!”

Life began to improve - I began to go to college to become a language teacher. Living with Heather had its nuances - you never knew if she liked you or not. One second she would be telling me how much she cared for me, and the next, she would be yelling at me about what an insecure, fat, ugly, lesbian cuntbutton I was. Andrew, our next door neighbor, would comfort me during these times though. The relationship that developed between me and him over the next few years was unlike any I had ever had. I saw colors I didn’t knew existed, and stars that weren’t lit when I looked into his eyes. I felt loved, in his arms. I felt complete. I felt like me, again. He made my life snow until everything made sense.

Eventually I graduated and started teaching Welsh to a class. They were an odd bunch, and I was never successful at teaching any of them, as hard as I tried. Little Marta for instance, would just write her name for every answer in thick green ink. Little Kat and Carl always cuddling in the corner. Little Saraa, Cara, and Ursula who drew all day in class, instead of paying attention. Little Black Alyssa thought she was white. Little Alla would just use an online translator for every homework. Little Mickey, was the troublemaker who pretended to be pregnant. Little Adelaide who had to wear huge glasses to see the chalk board. And then, of course, there was little Adelaide’s imaginary friend, Adam, who died the day after she dyed her hair red.

After a grueling five months in the classroom, I knew I was in the wrong place, yet again. They were all failing, and weren’t learning a thing, despite my best efforts. I decided to leave the classroom. My kids threw me a going away party, complete with a polka-dot cake. As we all ate that cake, we muttered to ourselves in joy and jubilee, “Mmm…dot cake…. mmmmcake….dotcake…..mmm……how fruity” Not everyone shared in our celebrations, though. Little Bobby Suxdik said, “Sorry we suck so much dick and can’t learn anything.” Little Hope pretended to overdose in the corner.

I frowned.

Walking home that day, I knew I needed something new. Something fresh, Something clean. Something beautiful. Something to express the sadness that I had carried with me since I was born. It was that very night - this night, one year ago, that I created Sadface. Finding the helpers I needed - Aubrey and Tim, I created a place where anyone with any face (even timfuckis) could join. I invited all my old friends and everyone I knew, to join, and it became what it is today. We have no rules, we have no limitations, we just exist. Every single person here has been apart of what it is today. This past year has been the height, and the happiest part of my life. For the first time, I’ve felt like I’ve accomplished something. Everything was going so well.

So so well, until a week ago, when I came home to another empty apartment and a letter. The letter told me what I knew in the back of my head when I had first walked in - Andrew and Heather had run away together. My world started to spin, my eyes started to roll back in my head, as my mind played Redford on repeat. I must have read that letter 848 times before I believed it. Yet again, someone I cared had chosen someone else over me. But this time, it happened twofold. Heather, the one who made me happy, the one who picked me up when I was down. Andrew, the one I loved, more than anyone else.

Why does this keep happening to me? What is wrong with me? Is it the way I look? Look at me. Is it the way i talk? hii…=) Talk to me. Is it the way I look stare off into the distance? |||O_O||| Whatever it is, I don’t care to find out. I’m sick of crying every movie night knowing he never loved me back. I’m sick of saying forever when I knew I’d never last that long. I’m sick of my name being my favorite pastime. I’m sick of being cry1 but nobody else’s number one.

Today, I ventured long to keep a promise I made long ago to Kujmous. A promise that I would see him again once more - a promise I have no trouble in keeping. He was the only one who loved me, the only one who ever wanted me. I came back to see him today, but I stay for my friend, the Kujwood Tree, which I sit in now. This tree has never let me down - through fall, through winter, it was always there for me. Covering me with its leaves, and holding me with its branches.

It is at this very place that my story comes to a close.

What happens now, is destiny. It’s time for me to go - there’s a rope on this tree calling my name. When I loved Kyle, he left me. If I look far enough, I can see us playing in the sandbox together as kids. When I loved Nikki, she left me. I still have that pencil with me. When I loved Gabe, RobbyRock99, Raven, Cass, and Heaven, they left me. I still remember the blowjobs on the wall. When I loved Raevyn, she left me. I may have been naked, but i never bared myself to her. When I loved Heather, she left me. When I loved Andrew, he left me. I haven’t stopped cry1ing.

When I loved life, it left me. It’s time to go…